Pain is inevitable, a heartbreak being the worst kind of pain there is. With every heart break, it does feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. Sooner or later, after we’ve used up our free heart break quota, we wake up one day to realize that we no longer recognize the person we’ve become. We reach a stage in life where we build a wall around ourselves. A wall too strong to break; too high to climb. It seems safer to be within those walls, to feel nothing at all.
What once used to be what you craved, now seems to be what you absolutely detest. You were once a girl surrounded by the people who adored you, and now, the slightest sign of love seems to irk you. You begin to slowly associate love with pain, and all you wish to do is run away from it, as far as you can.
Believe me, the initial phase is blissful. You manage to convince yourself that you are protecting yourself from feeling any pain. The walls you put up, the constant need of establishing boundaries, your unquenchable thirst to be alone, just by yourself, yup, it all seems like you’ve finally cracked the code to living a happy life. When you give pain no room, you will never lose complete control of your life, you argue with yourself.
What you don’t realize is that tiny bit of emptiness seeping into your life. You forget that we were born to feel something. Anything. Every tiny feeling. Funny thing about our emotions – You cut off one; you won’t be able to feel any of the others. You try cutting off pain, and happiness will evade you too. They’re all interlinked.
The bubble you create by doing all you can to evade pain, refuses to be filled with any other emotion. That very bubble grows bigger over time and it envelopes you completely. We call that phase, the depression phase.
Before you know it, you’re stuck all alone, trying to figure WHY you can’t seem to get your life back into control. I mean, come on, it’s been months since he left, and you’re still stuck in the same place as you were when you had your heart broken! Ridiculous!
Putting up walls may seem like an easy solution, but it’s gonna get you deeper into the mess. Learn to let it all go. Heal.
Learn to forgive yourself. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Yeah, you misjudged someone, but it’s okay. It happens. It’s part of life. Now you’re one step ahead in trying to figure the next person out.
Associate pain with the person. Not with love. It’s just like how you’d associate sourness with lemons, not the entire fruit fraternity.
Allow yourself to be loved, not just by you, but also by the people who deserve to have you in their life.
You’re allowed to be cautious. But don’t overdo it. It becomes repulsive.
I know you’re afraid to fall in love right now, but believe me, when you finally meet the one for you, he’s not gonna break your heart. All of your previous heart breaks begin to make sense, because each and every one of it has slowly, very carefully, lead you to him.
It may just seem impossible to pull yourself together right now. It may seem to be too much of work trying to find your lost faith. But you have to.
Because getting over all of your heart breaks, all the pain you went through, those sleepless nights crying into your pillow, the constant frustration you carried around for months, learning all the lessons each heart break taught you, making the effort to believe in love, in yourself once again, will be worth it in the end.
There's nothing quite as exhilarating as the early stages of a romantic relationship. Just the thought that you may have found your one-and-only can be so thrilling. But, the early stages of falling in love can be as frustrating as they are wonderful. Your new love life may consume your energy, focus, and time to the point where everything else going on in your life may feel like a rude intrusion. You can't stop thinking about your lover. You get up and go to sleep obsessing about the relationship and what your future will look like together.
To some of you, this reaction to love may seem over board. But, many of you know first-hand how falling in love can turn you into an obsessed, needy, and insecure person for a time. You don't have to have emotional issues from the past to feel this way. Of course, if you do, this stage will be particularly difficult for you.
Remember, the saying is not staying balanced in love, it is falling, losing your self to love. So, if you are in the early stages of falling in love right now, and you feel a little crazy, don't worry, you kind of are. You are under the influence of your hormones that are making you feel, all at once, euphoric, endangered, and exhausted. Let's call these the Three E's of falling in love. Researcher Donatella Marazziti of the University of Pisa, Italy helps us to understand the euphoria we feel in the early stages of romantic love. She says, it is more than two hearts igniting, when people fall in love. Their hormones ignite as well. The nerve transmitters adrenaline and phenylethylamine (PEA-also present in chocolate) increase when two people are attracted to each other that puts them in emotional overdrive. Additionally, the relaxation, feel good hormone serotonin lowers, causing you to obsess about your lover and consistently reflect back on the romantic times spent with him or her.
Falling in love produces a biological state that is a high similar to being on cocaine. More interestingly, Donatella Marazziti discovered that falling in love also alters testosterone levels in men and women. This is the male sex hormone that makes men hunters and gatherers and more able than women to be sexual without an emotional commitment. Increased testosterone levels in women during the early stages of romantic love make them more sexual and aggressive. While decreased testosterone levels in men make them more emotional and receptive at this time. This finding makes me smile. I have heard more than one man say through the years, "What happened to her sex drive? When we first went out, she was sexually wild? I couldn't keep up with her. She tricked me." If you yourself have felt this way about your female lover, now, you know that it was her hormones that made her into a girl gone wild.
Why can love's early stages make you feel personally endangered as well? First, the euphoria that you feel can disorganize you. You are adding a dating relationship to your normal, busy routine. Your normal responsibilities at work and home may fall to the wayside, as you put more energy into solidifying your love relationship. This can make you more anxious than normal. Also, loving asks you to lower your defenses and loosen up your personal boundaries so that you can merge your needs and desires with those of your lover. This process can be threatening and make you feel unsafe. Nonetheless, this is the making of a strong, healthy relationship attachment. It takes time to trust each other and to know that this attachment will not hurt you. No wonder we can feel anxious and unsafe when we first fall in love. There's much to gain and to lose, in the process. The fear you feel is palpable. Many of you may unconsciously create emotional issues and dramas to give voice, and make tangible, the endangerment that you feel.
With all of the hormone changes and fears going on inside of you, it is no wonder you may feel exhausted in the early stages of falling in love. I've heard several people say that they can't wait until the honeymoon period is over so that they can get some rest. It's no wonder that some of you may rush to seal the relationship deal, just to put an end to these uncomfortable feelings.
Knowledge is Power
Hardy persons arm themselves with knowledge. They approach new experiences as a chance to learn something new about themselves (the hardy attitude of challenge), and learn what they can to cope effectively with stressful situations (the hardy attitude of control). Indeed, the early stages of falling in love are stressful. The following recommendations will help you to navigate the falling in love stage more smoothly, so that you can treasure this very special time in your life.
- Enjoy the high, but don't lose yourself in it.
- Keep your schedule, no matter how much you want to throw it over.
- Acknowledge you are under the influence of some powerful hormones.
- Get the nutrition, rest and relaxation that you need to stay physically, emotionally, and mentally sound.
- When concerns and fears come into your mind about your lover, ask yourself if you are just trying to discharge the anxiety that you feel about the unknown, so that you can stop a personal drama in its track.
- Don't rush to seal the relationship, just because you can't stand the anxiety of having to go through the stages of falling in love. Accept your anxiety and learn to work with it.
- Research shows that falling in love also makes you more creative (Scientific American, Does Falling In Love Make Us More Creative?). So, work out that anxiety and fear through some creative activities.
- Don't lower your defenses, personal boundaries, and expectations to the extent that you are denying what you really desire and need. This never works out well. You want to build an authentic relationship attachment, rather than one based on fantasy alone.
You will handle this wonderful time much better just by knowing what I've shared with you today about the process. Accept the process and let love unfold in its natural way.
If you like my post today, please say so by selecting the Like button that immediately follows. I welcome your experiences, thoughts, and comments. Warmly, Deborah.